Here are answers to some frequently asked questions regarding divorce and divorce recovery. These were first published in the Illinois Divorce Magazine and are reprinted here with their full permission.

• "We need to sell the house, but my wife is sabotaging my efforts (she is living in the house with our kids; I moved out three months ago when we separated). She refuses most requests for viewing, or makes sure the house is such a disgusting mess that prospective buyers just walk out. I am extremely angry with her, and can't seem to make her see my point of view. What should I do?"

• "Six years ago, my wife and I had a three-month trial separation. Soon after we reconciled, she told me she was pregnant. I didn't think anything about the timing because we weren't apart for too long. But now that we're getting a divorce, I'm starting to wonder if our little daughter, Sara, is really mine. My spouse, our other two kids, and I have brown hair and eyes, but Sara has flaming red hair and blue eyes. I love her dearly, but I think I have aright to know whether she's my child. How can I find out without damaging my relationship with Sara? And if I'm not actually her father, what are the implications in our custody and support negotiations?"

• "While we're working out our separation agreement, my husband has agreed to pay me $1,200 per month support for our three kids. Every month, it's like pulling teeth to get the money from him: he's either late, or bounces the check, or gives me half the amount saying he'll give me the rest later. I'm considering withholding visitation from him until he smartens up. Do you have any suggestions?"

Q: "We need to sell the house, but my wife is sabotaging my efforts (she is living in the house with our kids; I moved out three months ago when we separated). She refuses most requests for viewing, or makes sure the house is such a disgusting mess that prospective buyers just walk out. I am extremely angry with her, and can't seem to make her see my point of view. What should I do?"

A: I suspect that what you're really asking is "what can I do to get my wife to comply with my demand?" Of course it's frustrating when you feel so powerless to get her to do what you want her to do. However, your anger at her, while understandable, is probably counter productive. As long as you continue to fight to try to "make her see (your) point of view," you will likely continue to be frustrated. She is no doubt feeling coerced by you, and her sabotaging reactions to your attempts to get her to see it your way are probably perpetuating a power struggle that will have no winners. In other words, if she feels demanded upon, she'll get defensive. If she feels defensive, she'll dig in harder. As she ignores your appeals, you'll get more frustrated and then probably argue more aggressively, and so on.

My suggestion is to try a different approach. Instead of working to convince her to comply with your demands, try to empathize with her fears. Whether these demands are right or wrong is not even the issue -- I'm talking about how you engage with her about this. In all likelihood your wife is feeling scared: afraid of experiencing more loss, afraid of what her new home will be like, afraid of how the kids will be affected --in short, afraid of the unknowns that lie ahead of her in the next phase of her life. Holding on to the house is, at least in part, a way to try to hold on to what feels safe and familiar. By approaching her in a way that is respectful of her fears, you may find that it is easier to work together to do what is best for the family.

It would also be helpful for you to look at what buttons may be getting pushed in you. You're clearly feeling frustrated and angry, but I wonder if you might not also be feeling scared. Under the stress of a divorce and all of the losses that a divorce engenders, other feelings may be magnified. Perhaps you're afraid of being taken advantage of, or of not having enough money to pay your bills, or of experiencing more loss. When we feel scared or threatened, we tend to react defensively. This appears to be interfering with your ability to problem solve. By getting a better handle on your own fears, you might find it easier to interact with your wife in ways that get you working together more cooperatively.

Finally, if these suggestions don't work, it may be necessary to seek outside assistance. A mediator might be able to help the two of you come to a compromise solution. Alternatively, counseling with a therapist who has experience working with divorcing couples could help both of you to neutralize the hot-button issues that are impeding your ability to communicate and work with each other.

Regardless of your feelings towards each other now, you have children to co-parent together. There will be plenty of other issues that the two of you will have to deal with in the years to come. For the sake of your children --as well as that of you and your wife -- I strongly encourage you to find away to work together now.

M. Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and the co-director of The Center For Divorce Recovery provides this answer. This question and answer first appeared in the Spring 2000 Illinois Divorce Magazine.
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Q: "Six years ago, my wife and I had a three-month trial separation. Soon after we reconciled, she told me she was pregnant. I didn't think anything about the timing because we weren't apart for too long. But now that we're getting a divorce, I'm starting to wonder if our little daughter, Sara, is really mine. My spouse, our other two kids, and I have brown hair and eyes, but Sara has flaming red hair and blue eyes. I love her dearly, but I think I have aright to know whether she's my child. How can I find out without damaging my relationship with Sara? And if I'm not actually her father, what are the implications in our custody and support negotiations?"

A: You are faced with quite a dilemma. If you find out that Sara is not your biological daughter, you will no doubt feel a variety of emotions that could complicate your relationships with family members. If you don't find out who the real father is, then your relationship with Sara may become contaminated with doubt. This could easily be acted out in negative ways towards Sara, her mother, and even the other children.

I would recommend that you find out whether or not you're Sara's biological father. Regardless of the paternity results, you'd do well to see a counselor or therapist to process the feelings you and your wife have about this issue. Even though you're going through a divorce, it's imperative that you work through feelings of betrayal, anger, distrust, and other issues and feelings towards your wife, so you can continue to be an effective and loving father. The counseling should also focus on your individual issues and what the paternity means to you.

It seems to me that you have established a loving, nurturing relationship with Sara and that you have been the steady and stable father in her life. If you withdraw from her, she could experience your withdrawal as a punishing act of rejection. This would be damaging to her self-esteem and unfair: she had no role in or control over whether or not you're her biological father; nor is she at fault for your feelings about the question of her paternity.

As you work through your own feelings, my hope is that you won't recreate your wife's possible betrayal by withdrawing from Sara. The challenge for you will be to remain connected to Sara and the other children while not discrediting their mother. This would only inflict pain to the children. As you digest your feelings about the situation, do everything in your power to give to your daughter and to honor your role of being her father -- biological or not.

Rick Tivers, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Board Certified Diplomat provides this answer. He is the co-director of The Center For Divorce Recovery, and he is also a member of the Illinois Divorce Magazine Advisory Board. This question and answer first appeared in the Spring 1998 Illinois Divorce Magazine.
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Q: "While we're working out our separation agreement, my husband has agreed to pay me $1,200 per month support for our three kids. Every month, it's like pulling teeth to get the money from him: he's either late, or bounces the check, or gives me half the amount saying he'll give me the rest later. I'm considering withholding visitation from him until he smartens up. Do you have any suggestions?"

A: It's certainly understandable that you would feel upset about your husband's irresponsible handling of his support payments. However -- and I can't say this too strongly -- don't use your children to punish your husband! Of course you're angry! Who wouldn't be?! But whatever problems there maybe between you, he's still their father. Assuming that he is not abusive or otherwise harmful to the kids, it's important that each child continue to have a relationship with him.

Remember, your children are going through a very difficult ordeal that involves a number of significant losses. The last thing that they need now is the threat of another loss -- namely the loss of their relationship with their father.

While it's important that you support your kids' relationship with their father, don't interpret this to mean that they should be the ones to communicate with him about the problems you're having with him. They shouldn't be drawn into the conflict between you and your husband about this. This means two things: 1) Don't use your kids as messengers to communicate with your spouse, and 2) Don't talk to your kids about how "selfish" or "irresponsible" their father is.

In addition to cutting them off from their father, withholding visitation could also put your children in the position of having to choose sides. Under these circumstances, children typically align with the parent they feel is most in need of protection and support. The need to protect a parent, or to choose sides in the parental conflict creates anxiety for children. This is because they now believe that they're needed to attend to the well-being of a weak parent, instead of trusting that they themselves will be taken care of.

Another thing to consider is that withholding visitation could have the effect of escalating the intensity of the conflict between you and your husband. It could lead to retaliation on his part, followed by further retaliation your part, and a rapid deterioration in your ability to communicate and work with each other. Remember, as much as you may dislike each other, you're going to have to find someway to work together as parents.

But what can you do to respond to the financial headaches your husband is causing through his irresponsible behavior? The obvious first step is to talk to him, reminding him of your agreement and asking why he's having difficulty honoring it. You're more likely to get through to him if you can avoid being confrontive or legalistic, and instead, try to appeal to his sense of fairness and desire for integrity. If this doesn't work, you may have no choice but to consult with your attorney. Whatever you do, it's important to avoid putting your children in the middle of what is really a conflict between you and your husband.

As you can see, there are no easy answers. But when you find yourself filled with anger, and are feeling tempted to hurt your husband because of how he has hurt you, I hope you can be guided by the following: love your children more than you hate your spouse.

M. Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and the co-director of The Center For Divorce Recovery provides this answer. This question and answer first appeared in the Spring 1997 Illinois Divorce Magazine.
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